Could this be my best song release to date?

 So I am currently working on a new song and I tell you what... It bangs. 

The past 12 months has seen some MASSIVE changes in my life and I have spent a lot of time working on my own mental health. I saw a memory from 12 months ago saying that I thought my anxiety had been upgraded to depression. I can honestly say now that I now know how to control the anxiety and am no longer "Depressed". 

The lyrics to this song are about realising that maybe more than half of my life is already over. We never know how much longer we have left. This is about my growth and acceptance.

At this stage, the song won't be out for about 4-8 weeks but I will update once it is available.

 How to find me - Click HERE

I used to think I was invincible,

Nothing could take away my smile.

Every now and then these thoughts come round,

this growing emptiness inside.

Never knowing how long we've got left,

Each day one closer to your last.

I used to think I was afraid of death,

I used to think I was afraid of...

Missing out on all these days

and I wont be around always.

When I say it to myself

I think of all the dreams

I've thrown away.

In a different life

I used to grab a bottle

drink it all away.

Now I've opened up my eyes

to see a different fate

in front of me.

I haven't lived a life where I've felt proud,

I've wasted way too many years.

Spent it living somewhere in the clouds,

while always skipping round my fears.

As the numbers grow behind me,

I think of all the things I've done.

I used to think I was afraid of death,

I used to think i was afraid of...

Missing out on all these days

and I wont be around always,

Missing out on our goodbyes,

and watching you live out your lives.

When I say it to myself

I think of all the dreams

I've thrown away.

In a different life

I used to grab a bottle

drink it all away.

Now I've opened up my eyes

to see a different fate

in front of me.

Christmas - Sigh

Christmas is meant to be the most wonderful time of year. Is there anyone else that doesn't feel this way? 

For me, Christmas lost its spark around the time my grandfather passed away, on Christmas day. It took something away from my Mother and it has played a part in my Christmas periods since. This one is no different. It is the first in a while that I will be flying solo. My first since separating from my wife in April, I will see the kids on Christmas day for a couple of hours before they go and spend the day with their mother. My parents aren't even spending it together. My Mum will be in NSW and my Dad in Hervey Bay alone. 

I can't explain how I am emotionally at the moment but I think the below might help with some understanding for those around me.

There's a darkness that surrounds

almost everything I do.

I'll point a torch right at it

but nothing shining through.

It's overcast and gloomy

within this frame of mind.

I'm feeling quite dejected,

emotionally I'm blind.

I see the world around me

move a million miles an hour.

The words that I am searching, 

seem to cause an awkward cower.

It always seems to rain

within this head of mine.

"Everything will be okay"

Bullshit, I don't feel fine.

The bottom isn't somewhere

that I want to go again.

I've stared it down too many times,

This time I'll take the reign.

If life was not a challenge

then I'm sure I've never grown.

I know some days are diamonds

and the others just like stone.

Broken

When does the shit fight end? When does the finger stop being pointed at you all the time? When does the shift begin to become a better human? When does life throw you a life jacket and say hey... It's okay?

I feel so incredibly broken.

Like a part of me was stripped away.

My words have slowly been taken,

there's nothing more for me to say.

I'm sure these shoulders have weakened,

I see the crumbling below me.

Just put one foot before the other,

There's so much more than you can see.

I don't know how to repair this

clusterfuck I call my life.

My thoughts are twisted and shaded,

slipping further down this knife.

I thought that I'd made some changes,

but now my progress seems to fade.

They've made me feel it was all my fault,

I'm tired of being in this masquerade.

I think I'll start my retreat now,

I'll disappear without a trace.

Imagine feeling appreciated?!

It's something right now that I'd embrace.

I feel the rainfall around me,

at least it's hiding all my tears.

I don't know how much more I can handle.

I'm living out some of my worst fears.

My own continuing ballte with anxiety

 Hey all.

For those of you who read this or know me in real life are pretty aware of my constant battle with Anxiety and Depression. I am taking steps towards being a better me. I recently booked in with a psychologist who specializes in ADHD as I feel this is something that has also been a part of my whole entire life. 

Recently I got a new tattoo. It is a reminder of two things. New beginnings and the heartache I have come through. That is why I now have what I call a "Blood Stained Rose" on my right forearm. 6 months ago I separated from my wife. It's okay, we are okay. I am not too sure if the harder roads are ahead or behind us but we both know that we will still be there for each other. I think in some circumstances staying together for the kids can be the worst thing you can do. I hold immense respect for her and will continue to. I haven't referred to her on numerous occasions as the G.O.A.T for no reason.

Today I set myself a 30 day challenge.

30 minutes of exercise

30 Minutes of music

30 Days without smoking 

30 days without drinking.

I need to be a better version of myself. For my children but most of all, for me.

Today I wrote a song about my battle with anxiety. Only lyrics for now but here they are.

Reach out if you need someone to talk to. Believe it or not, you're not alone.

Just let me take this day by day

I know this feeling is replaceable.

So many years anxiety,

has made existing miserable.

The shortness of breath

that sinking of chest

the feeling that nothing

will settle unrest.

Just let me feel this one last time

before all hope is dead and gone.

Take a breath anxiety,

let's unwind within a song.

I'll catch my breath

release my chest.

Get a grip

It's time to rest.

You cannot threaten me

or leave me out

in misery.

You cannot win this war

I've got my hands

upon the door.

Now watch me

Walk away

I'm winning this

I've got today.

Day 1.

I might just disappear

I don't know where you've gone,

there was a man that made me proud.

My feelings and emotions

disappear into a crowd.

I've found myself along a path

that I have walked before.

Maybe I'll just disappear,

to where I'm not too sure.

I'm turning to old habits

that are driving them away.

I'm feeling like a coward

because I've got no words to say.

The path I see below my feet

is not what I desire.

Maybe I'll just disappear,

They'll live without my fire.

Suicide is not an option,

It's not something within me.

Ending life to compensate

that you will all be free.

The path I find myself upon

shows crumble and decay.

I hope I find myself the strength

to live another day.

27/05/2021.

Charley Bear - Losing my best friend

 Almost 12 months ago, my family went through a loss that has still to this day, been hard to deal with. Our beloved dog Charley Bear died suddenly at the age of 8. He had a cough for 24 hours beforehand but my wife took him to a vet at about 1am. They wanted to keep him in for monitoring overnight and advised us to come back in the morning and pick him up. Less than an hour later, we were called and told that his heart had failed and he was no longer with us. No goodbye, no preparation, just gone. 

Less than 3 months later, our other pooch Molly lost a short battle with cancer. That is a story for another day. Below are some words I wrote and have a song in mind to go with it. I don't think it is complete because when I started writing it, I couldn't fight back the tears enough to complete some more verses. 

Charley won't you come back home.
Charley won't you come back home. 

I wish this was a dream.

It's nothing like it seems.

Charley won't you come with me.

Charley won't you come with me.

I'm going down the store,

I can't say that no more.

Charley won't you come to bed,

Charley won't you come to bed, 

My feet are getting cold.

You weren't even that old.

Charley whatcha barking for?

Charley whatcha barking for?

There's nothing I want more,

To hear you at the door.

Man, I miss my dog.

War again

This is the first time re-reading this since I wrote it. I am not sure when I wrote it as I didn't put a date on it so I am not too sure of the argument that happened on that day/week. If I remember correctly, I wrote this from the perspective of the other person. How their feelings might show. Anyway, another dark one from the depths of the unknown.

I've been fighting a war again.

Trapped inside of my own head.
Trying to take myself outside
Coz' of something I should have said.

"I've been reading your words", she cries,

You've wasted all of your alibis.

I've been fighting a war again,

With the voices inside my head.

"I've been keeping the peace," she said.

While slowly drowning herself inside.

"Turn off the light and come back to bed"

I'll breathe in deep, these tears I'll hide.

You've tarnished all of these memories,

I used to keep of you and me.

I've been fighting a war again,

With all these voices inside my head.

I've been trying to walk away,

from the history of you and me.

Ripping out pages that we have shared,

Erasing all of our memories.

You're like a candle that's burning out,

no longer worth anything to me.

I've been fighting a war again,

I'm trapped inside of my own head.

Shane Finney - Some time in 2020.

meh!

I understand why 3am is so lonely. 

There's no one there for you to share your mind.

The feeling in my chest is overbearing,

I'm short of breath and can't seem to unwind. 

I'm turning into something that I didn't want to be. 

There seems to be a constant anger coursing over me.

This  mirror doesn't  show exactly who I want to see. 

How did I become the man in front of me! 

There's a battle raging deep inside

That I can't seem to get the upper hand. 

For every forward step I seem to take

I take a backwards step and lose command. 

There's always been a question that I've asked, 

It's "why the fuck do I even exist? "

If I disappeared without a trace, 

How much would my memory be missed. 

I'm turning into something that I didn't want to be. 

There seems to be a constant anger coursing over me.

This  mirror doesn't  show exactly who I want to see. 

How did I become the man in front of me! 

The last show

Hi All, so i have had a couple of messages asking if i am alright and to be honest, I am the best i have been in a long time. The words were actually written about a person i used to call one of my closest friends. I was contacted by another friend telling me a person who we will name "X" had been convicted and imprisoned for child molestation towards his wife's niece. This action is totally unacceptable and if you suspect that someone you know is sexually assaulting another human, please call crime stoppers or police link or if you're in another country, the local authorities. Part of the lyrics refer back to something he wrote many years ago and i felt the need to reflect against his feelings, almost 18 years ago. Anyway, I hope this brings a little more understanding.

I've followed you throughout my life,
For almost half my time.
So many lessons learned from you,
We've swapped too many a rhyme.
But lately, life has taught me that
You never really know.
The person there in front of you,
Shall choose to walk alone.

So many lives you chose to hurt,
No thought of consequence.
The path alone that you have chosen,
To me, it makes no sense.
The day I found out what you did
I sat in disbelief.
To focus on my scrambled thoughts,
Pick one... you're just a thief.

Tell me now
I can't explain
Exactly how
Your thoughts became
No more can
You lay the blame
Or say that life's
Always the same.

It's been almost a year that's passed
You chose to burn that fire.
Unlike the people's lives you've ruined,
Your sentence will expire.
I've found it hard to process these
Emotions this has grown.
The light that's shining far below
Will close on your last show.

"So forget the man you used to know.  You chose to walk this path alone. "

- Shane Finney.  May 2018.

Song for Nicole

I'm still amazed by your beautiful face.
Your warming smile and the touch of your embrace.
But i'm still wondering,
Still Wondering
What i'd do if you weren't around.

I still feel alone whenever you're not here.
Your feelings known every day becoming more clear.
But then it leaves me wondering,
Always wondering
What i'd do if you weren't around.

I'm still crazy for
everything you've ever done for me.
The way you are
when no one else is around.
I'm always crazy for
the friend that you've become to me
You leave me waiting
Til my feet hit the ground.

You have a gift inside i've never had before.
You're giving me life now i could never ask for more
but hey you keep me wondering,
constantly wondering
What i'd do if you weren't around.

but i'm still crazy for
everything you've ever done for me.
The way you are when no one else is around.
I'm always crazy for
the friend that you've become to me
You leave me waiting
til my feet hit the ground.


Written 06/10/2008
Lyrics/poem property of Shane Michael Finney

Every Mothers Outrage (EMO)

Exclamation, defamation
on the face of 15 youths.
Your time has come and passed you,
now you're blinded by the truth.
A thousand fingers pointing
in the way of your direction.
Laughing now they'll heckle you
into a world of misconception.

Jumping through a rusty web,
of spiders snakes and nails
guiding you along the path
and nearly off the rails

Get off my back, you're useless,
all these voices in my head.
Your advice has shown me nothing
but to wish that i was dead.

Confrontation, damn youth nation,
Always drugging out your life.
The only choice that's let for you
is picking up your knife.
Your father said to get a job
and your mother told you to care.
Instead, you grew yourself a fringe
and put black colour in your hair.

Get off my back, you're useless,
All these voices in my head.
Your advice has shown me nothing,
but to wish that i was dead.


Written 15/12/2006
Lyrics/Poem is property Shane Michael Finney.

Average aussie dad - new words.

I’m getting tired for reasons I can’t seem to control,
I keep repeating all the same old miseries.
It seems my way of thinking is my biggest downfall.
We fall and get back up
But life just gets a kick from holding me.
I struggle daily with a past that I can’t run from.
This record player always jumps back to the same old place.
I’m feeling broken like my better years have passed me.
I’ve fallen, how the fuck
Do people manage to stay in the race?

Do I just keep on living
All the while dreaming?
I’m too scared I’ll get in the way.
But soon I’ll be over,
This moment, it’s over.
Watch as I’m fading away.

I’m taken back to when my life really had no one.
The only difference is the numbing of the pain.
Youth would see me drink the problems out of this one.
I’d fall and get back up
The sore head wasn’t all that would remain.

Do I just keep on living
All the while dreaming?
I’m too scared I’ll get in the way.
But soon I’ll be over,
This moment, it’s over.
Watch as I’m fading away.

Average Aussie Dad - The door

Have you ever reached for a door and gotten butterflies before touching the handle...

I have. G'day, how are you? Lets start by saying that as most of you may know, life has been pretty shit. It has been just over 2.5 years since separating from my wife and it has been a lonely 2.5 years. The main advice people give me is to stop looking... someone will come along when you least expect it. This is something i MUST remind myself everyday. I am not used to being alone... I haven't spent that much time alone since i was about 14 years old. So what do i do to pass my time alone... I cook and i just joined a gym. It MUST start at home. Happiness. If you're not happy then CHANGE. Thats what i need to do. 4 days a week i am committing to at the Gym and i am currently planning my meals out to fit to a Keto/Paleo style diet. If you have ANY tips then please feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail.

Recently i started a new job with a local business which focusses on family owned small business. i LOVE it. I am only a month in and i hope for success with it. Like everything, you only get out what you put in so its time to step it up and give it my all.

In the coming days... or maybe even tonight... I will sit down and fill you in on how the kids are going. That is a whole new blog on its own.

Until then, take care of yourselves.

Finney

That moment you realise...

You are alone.

Sorry

I'm sorry. Sorry for turning our home into just yours.  I'm sorry for not giving you the space you wanted.  I'm sorry for all the times I let you down.  I'm sorry for not being your rock when you were always mine.  I'm sorry for forgetting the vow we took.  I'm sorry for not being the husband you deserved.  I'm sorry I lost your trust.  I'm sorry you're hurt.  Sorry for not getting up through the nights when our children wouldn't sleep.  I'm sorry I betrayed you.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  Most of all,  I'm sorry you're no longer mine. 

First Christmas without my children.  Second without a wife. 

They say times supposed to heal you,  but I ain't done much healing.

One of those nights

One of those nights where you really want someone to talk to but you realise...  There's no one there.  Im scared.  Scared of what the future holds.  Scared of where I'm going to end up.  Something has to change.  I just need that one chance...  Someone to say yeah...  Let's help him.  But right now I'm sinking.

Done with this life. Get me a new one

I never thought that I'd be 31 and so disappointed with where I am in life.  It sucks.  The whole thing sucks.  It seems that if something can go wrong,  is going to go wrong for me.  Friday night...  Work function.  As soon as dinner is over its as if I don't exist anymore.  Second time I have been out with people from work and the second time I am left having to ring people trying to find out where they are.  Am I that bad to hang around with that people feel the need to leave me behind? Another argument with my folks. This time it came out about how I feel I am treated by then compared to my brother and sister and the easy they treat my children compared to the rest of their grand children.  something has to give.  Maybe I need to run away.  Pack up everything I own (which isn't much.  It would fit in my car)  and just leave.  Maybe it's going to take that before people actually miss me.  Oh...  Wait,  I've dive that before.  10 years ago.  Thought it would give me a stronger relationship with my family but it didn't work then.  So I moved back with my family.  I fucked up my marriage and I'm right back to where I have always been.  Alone.  Seriously...  What is the point!

Miserable

As i get older,  i start to see things clearer with the way I am treated by my own parents.  I think about it and realise that is always been the same.  I'm the youngest of 3 and in those 3 there is a pecking order.  The older 2 at the top and me trailing in last. I've never really fitted in with society. I'm okay with that. I have learnt to deal with that.  Not to say it doesn't hurt still hurt but there is nothing I can do about it.  I've started seeing things in my own family life. It feels as if my folks like my brother and sisters kids more then they like mine.  Same as though it feels as if my parents like my brother and sister more then they actually like me.  I moved away from them in my early twenties.  I could go weeks or even months without hearing from them.  Sometimes I'd even purposely not ring just to see how long it would take for them to call.  I thought that moving my family from the gold coast to toowoomba would give me a better connection to my family.  I was wrong.
13 months into a separation and I'm still miserable.  I'm 31 and i live in a shoebox of a room at my parents house. I'm not fully enjoying my job as much as I thought I would,  I'm miserable,  I've come to the realisation that my marriage won't be getting back together and i haven't had a best friend in my life in almost 2 decades.  I'm climbing out of this rut that I'm in.  I'm climbing as hard as I can.  As soon as I see some form of light towards the top of the well,  something else happens.
There has to be more to life then this because right now,  it sucks.

Chance raw

Pretty raw insight to my life.

Lately I haven't been feeling as much anxiety as I used to. It used to be a daily occurrence. It used to control me. Instead, I feel myself being emotional. I'll read something and get that lump I. The throat, the eyes well up and I just start to feel sad. For example... When my band broke up, no one fought for me. No one was on my side. Not even the guy who I fought for to get into the band. I thought that I had 4 brothers with those guys in the band. I was wrong. I barely hear from one of them and the other 3 seem non existent. I will be the first to admit, I am different. I have never had close friends, been 20 years since I have had a best friend (aside from my wife who is now my ex) I guess you would call me a social outcast. I read something tonight from one of the old band members asking when he was going to be blessed by the other ex band members presence... I have never had anyone from that band call me and ask how I am or what's new or ask me to collaborate on anything any of them have done and yet the break up of the band hurt me most. About 4 years ago when I separated before, I had had enough of life. I drank copious amounts of red wine and drove, hoping I would never return. I hated life. I hated myself and I saw no point in being in a planet where I felt as if I was merely existing... Not loving. I told one of the band members as a cry for help about what I had done. How I felt like I had no one and he called me a fucking selfish bastard and things between us were never the same. I know that it was selfish and that memory has been fresh in my mind but distant from coming true. Life has handed me some pretty shitty deals. I walk into work and once again, I feel invisible. The workplace has its clicks and its groups and its friends and then there is me... That guy. Yep,that's me. I'm that guy. The one who would bend over backwards for anyone because I want to have some appreciate something I have done. The one who would love a text from anyone saying have a great day or did you see that game. The guy who would just like some form of attention but I am that guy who doesn't get any. I should be used to it. But as age goes on, it never gets easier. I'm 31 in 2 weeks and what have I got to celebrate. Kids aside... What milestones do I have too celebrate? Who will actually call me on my birthday or send a text message to my phone instead of using unsocial media such as facebook. 

I know that life has a meaning and I know that there is something out there for me but I just feel like right now it is dragging me through the mud. 

I sit here and type this to friends I don't know. Friends who don't comment. Actually, I probably sit here and write this like a diary entry and no one will read it.

I will get to know myself, at least I know that company is always there for me.