Pretty raw insight to my life.

Lately I haven't been feeling as much anxiety as I used to. It used to be a daily occurrence. It used to control me. Instead, I feel myself being emotional. I'll read something and get that lump I. The throat, the eyes well up and I just start to feel sad. For example... When my band broke up, no one fought for me. No one was on my side. Not even the guy who I fought for to get into the band. I thought that I had 4 brothers with those guys in the band. I was wrong. I barely hear from one of them and the other 3 seem non existent. I will be the first to admit, I am different. I have never had close friends, been 20 years since I have had a best friend (aside from my wife who is now my ex) I guess you would call me a social outcast. I read something tonight from one of the old band members asking when he was going to be blessed by the other ex band members presence... I have never had anyone from that band call me and ask how I am or what's new or ask me to collaborate on anything any of them have done and yet the break up of the band hurt me most. About 4 years ago when I separated before, I had had enough of life. I drank copious amounts of red wine and drove, hoping I would never return. I hated life. I hated myself and I saw no point in being in a planet where I felt as if I was merely existing... Not loving. I told one of the band members as a cry for help about what I had done. How I felt like I had no one and he called me a fucking selfish bastard and things between us were never the same. I know that it was selfish and that memory has been fresh in my mind but distant from coming true. Life has handed me some pretty shitty deals. I walk into work and once again, I feel invisible. The workplace has its clicks and its groups and its friends and then there is me... That guy. Yep,that's me. I'm that guy. The one who would bend over backwards for anyone because I want to have some appreciate something I have done. The one who would love a text from anyone saying have a great day or did you see that game. The guy who would just like some form of attention but I am that guy who doesn't get any. I should be used to it. But as age goes on, it never gets easier. I'm 31 in 2 weeks and what have I got to celebrate. Kids aside... What milestones do I have too celebrate? Who will actually call me on my birthday or send a text message to my phone instead of using unsocial media such as facebook. 

I know that life has a meaning and I know that there is something out there for me but I just feel like right now it is dragging me through the mud. 

I sit here and type this to friends I don't know. Friends who don't comment. Actually, I probably sit here and write this like a diary entry and no one will read it.

I will get to know myself, at least I know that company is always there for me.