Christmas - Sigh

Christmas is meant to be the most wonderful time of year. Is there anyone else that doesn't feel this way? 

For me, Christmas lost its spark around the time my grandfather passed away, on Christmas day. It took something away from my Mother and it has played a part in my Christmas periods since. This one is no different. It is the first in a while that I will be flying solo. My first since separating from my wife in April, I will see the kids on Christmas day for a couple of hours before they go and spend the day with their mother. My parents aren't even spending it together. My Mum will be in NSW and my Dad in Hervey Bay alone. 

I can't explain how I am emotionally at the moment but I think the below might help with some understanding for those around me.

There's a darkness that surrounds

almost everything I do.

I'll point a torch right at it

but nothing shining through.

It's overcast and gloomy

within this frame of mind.

I'm feeling quite dejected,

emotionally I'm blind.

I see the world around me

move a million miles an hour.

The words that I am searching, 

seem to cause an awkward cower.

It always seems to rain

within this head of mine.

"Everything will be okay"

Bullshit, I don't feel fine.

The bottom isn't somewhere

that I want to go again.

I've stared it down too many times,

This time I'll take the reign.

If life was not a challenge

then I'm sure I've never grown.

I know some days are diamonds

and the others just like stone.

Broken

When does the shit fight end? When does the finger stop being pointed at you all the time? When does the shift begin to become a better human? When does life throw you a life jacket and say hey... It's okay?

I feel so incredibly broken.

Like a part of me was stripped away.

My words have slowly been taken,

there's nothing more for me to say.

I'm sure these shoulders have weakened,

I see the crumbling below me.

Just put one foot before the other,

There's so much more than you can see.

I don't know how to repair this

clusterfuck I call my life.

My thoughts are twisted and shaded,

slipping further down this knife.

I thought that I'd made some changes,

but now my progress seems to fade.

They've made me feel it was all my fault,

I'm tired of being in this masquerade.

I think I'll start my retreat now,

I'll disappear without a trace.

Imagine feeling appreciated?!

It's something right now that I'd embrace.

I feel the rainfall around me,

at least it's hiding all my tears.

I don't know how much more I can handle.

I'm living out some of my worst fears.

My own continuing ballte with anxiety

 Hey all.

For those of you who read this or know me in real life are pretty aware of my constant battle with Anxiety and Depression. I am taking steps towards being a better me. I recently booked in with a psychologist who specializes in ADHD as I feel this is something that has also been a part of my whole entire life. 

Recently I got a new tattoo. It is a reminder of two things. New beginnings and the heartache I have come through. That is why I now have what I call a "Blood Stained Rose" on my right forearm. 6 months ago I separated from my wife. It's okay, we are okay. I am not too sure if the harder roads are ahead or behind us but we both know that we will still be there for each other. I think in some circumstances staying together for the kids can be the worst thing you can do. I hold immense respect for her and will continue to. I haven't referred to her on numerous occasions as the G.O.A.T for no reason.

Today I set myself a 30 day challenge.

30 minutes of exercise

30 Minutes of music

30 Days without smoking 

30 days without drinking.

I need to be a better version of myself. For my children but most of all, for me.

Today I wrote a song about my battle with anxiety. Only lyrics for now but here they are.

Reach out if you need someone to talk to. Believe it or not, you're not alone.

Just let me take this day by day

I know this feeling is replaceable.

So many years anxiety,

has made existing miserable.

The shortness of breath

that sinking of chest

the feeling that nothing

will settle unrest.

Just let me feel this one last time

before all hope is dead and gone.

Take a breath anxiety,

let's unwind within a song.

I'll catch my breath

release my chest.

Get a grip

It's time to rest.

You cannot threaten me

or leave me out

in misery.

You cannot win this war

I've got my hands

upon the door.

Now watch me

Walk away

I'm winning this

I've got today.

Day 1.

I might just disappear

I don't know where you've gone,

there was a man that made me proud.

My feelings and emotions

disappear into a crowd.

I've found myself along a path

that I have walked before.

Maybe I'll just disappear,

to where I'm not too sure.

I'm turning to old habits

that are driving them away.

I'm feeling like a coward

because I've got no words to say.

The path I see below my feet

is not what I desire.

Maybe I'll just disappear,

They'll live without my fire.

Suicide is not an option,

It's not something within me.

Ending life to compensate

that you will all be free.

The path I find myself upon

shows crumble and decay.

I hope I find myself the strength

to live another day.

27/05/2021.

Charley Bear - Losing my best friend

 Almost 12 months ago, my family went through a loss that has still to this day, been hard to deal with. Our beloved dog Charley Bear died suddenly at the age of 8. He had a cough for 24 hours beforehand but my wife took him to a vet at about 1am. They wanted to keep him in for monitoring overnight and advised us to come back in the morning and pick him up. Less than an hour later, we were called and told that his heart had failed and he was no longer with us. No goodbye, no preparation, just gone. 

Less than 3 months later, our other pooch Molly lost a short battle with cancer. That is a story for another day. Below are some words I wrote and have a song in mind to go with it. I don't think it is complete because when I started writing it, I couldn't fight back the tears enough to complete some more verses. 

Charley won't you come back home.
Charley won't you come back home. 

I wish this was a dream.

It's nothing like it seems.

Charley won't you come with me.

Charley won't you come with me.

I'm going down the store,

I can't say that no more.

Charley won't you come to bed,

Charley won't you come to bed, 

My feet are getting cold.

You weren't even that old.

Charley whatcha barking for?

Charley whatcha barking for?

There's nothing I want more,

To hear you at the door.

Man, I miss my dog.

War again

This is the first time re-reading this since I wrote it. I am not sure when I wrote it as I didn't put a date on it so I am not too sure of the argument that happened on that day/week. If I remember correctly, I wrote this from the perspective of the other person. How their feelings might show. Anyway, another dark one from the depths of the unknown.

I've been fighting a war again.

Trapped inside of my own head.
Trying to take myself outside
Coz' of something I should have said.

"I've been reading your words", she cries,

You've wasted all of your alibis.

I've been fighting a war again,

With the voices inside my head.

"I've been keeping the peace," she said.

While slowly drowning herself inside.

"Turn off the light and come back to bed"

I'll breathe in deep, these tears I'll hide.

You've tarnished all of these memories,

I used to keep of you and me.

I've been fighting a war again,

With all these voices inside my head.

I've been trying to walk away,

from the history of you and me.

Ripping out pages that we have shared,

Erasing all of our memories.

You're like a candle that's burning out,

no longer worth anything to me.

I've been fighting a war again,

I'm trapped inside of my own head.

Shane Finney - Some time in 2020.

meh!

I understand why 3am is so lonely. 

There's no one there for you to share your mind.

The feeling in my chest is overbearing,

I'm short of breath and can't seem to unwind. 

I'm turning into something that I didn't want to be. 

There seems to be a constant anger coursing over me.

This  mirror doesn't  show exactly who I want to see. 

How did I become the man in front of me! 

There's a battle raging deep inside

That I can't seem to get the upper hand. 

For every forward step I seem to take

I take a backwards step and lose command. 

There's always been a question that I've asked, 

It's "why the fuck do I even exist? "

If I disappeared without a trace, 

How much would my memory be missed. 

I'm turning into something that I didn't want to be. 

There seems to be a constant anger coursing over me.

This  mirror doesn't  show exactly who I want to see. 

How did I become the man in front of me!