Pretty raw insight to my life.

Lately I haven't been feeling as much anxiety as I used to. It used to be a daily occurrence. It used to control me. Instead, I feel myself being emotional. I'll read something and get that lump I. The throat, the eyes well up and I just start to feel sad. For example... When my band broke up, no one fought for me. No one was on my side. Not even the guy who I fought for to get into the band. I thought that I had 4 brothers with those guys in the band. I was wrong. I barely hear from one of them and the other 3 seem non existent. I will be the first to admit, I am different. I have never had close friends, been 20 years since I have had a best friend (aside from my wife who is now my ex) I guess you would call me a social outcast. I read something tonight from one of the old band members asking when he was going to be blessed by the other ex band members presence... I have never had anyone from that band call me and ask how I am or what's new or ask me to collaborate on anything any of them have done and yet the break up of the band hurt me most. About 4 years ago when I separated before, I had had enough of life. I drank copious amounts of red wine and drove, hoping I would never return. I hated life. I hated myself and I saw no point in being in a planet where I felt as if I was merely existing... Not loving. I told one of the band members as a cry for help about what I had done. How I felt like I had no one and he called me a fucking selfish bastard and things between us were never the same. I know that it was selfish and that memory has been fresh in my mind but distant from coming true. Life has handed me some pretty shitty deals. I walk into work and once again, I feel invisible. The workplace has its clicks and its groups and its friends and then there is me... That guy. Yep,that's me. I'm that guy. The one who would bend over backwards for anyone because I want to have some appreciate something I have done. The one who would love a text from anyone saying have a great day or did you see that game. The guy who would just like some form of attention but I am that guy who doesn't get any. I should be used to it. But as age goes on, it never gets easier. I'm 31 in 2 weeks and what have I got to celebrate. Kids aside... What milestones do I have too celebrate? Who will actually call me on my birthday or send a text message to my phone instead of using unsocial media such as facebook. 

I know that life has a meaning and I know that there is something out there for me but I just feel like right now it is dragging me through the mud. 

I sit here and type this to friends I don't know. Friends who don't comment. Actually, I probably sit here and write this like a diary entry and no one will read it.

I will get to know myself, at least I know that company is always there for me.

It just you, me and this crazy mind of mine. This time, it all amounts to nothing.

It's funny how most of these posts start to me the same. Get into bed, relax, start to wind down and then all of a sudden, guess who is wide awake. The next lyric I will share with you is one which I wrote in about 2005/06. I had just moved to the Gold Coast, I knew my cousin and had a friend down there. I still thought that was enough for me. After I moved out of my cousins and stopped talking to my one friend, I started drinking. I was living with a couple in share accommodation. I didn't know them and they didn't know me. It was really weird. I had next to nothing. I moved to the coast with a bag of clothes and about $150 to my name so I knew it was sink or swim. This was written after I had been there for a few months. I was sitting at a table on the back deck, staring at the view. The view was a fence. Wondering what got me to where I was. The poem I wrote is actually a lot longer then what I a, going to share but that is only because I can't remember the whole thing off the top of my head, I can only remember the part which was used in a song with the secret silence. The original was called "empty bottle syndrome" but for those of you that have followed my music career, y would know it as "all amounts to nothing"

I've got myself a syndrome,

A fever I can't fix.

My bottles getting empty,

My bag is out of tricks.

Sometimes I know...

That it all amounts to nothing

And it's all the I know

Help me forget about you.

And it all accounts for something

I'm a one man show,

I wanna see this through.

You feel these eyes a staring, 

You hang your head in shame.

It's funny I'm still breathing,

And slowly going more insane.

Sometimes I know...

It all amounts to nothing.

And it's all that I know,

Help me forget about you.

And it all accounts for someone,

I'm a one man show

I wanna see this through.

As I said, there is a lot more to the song then this but this is the part which was used for this particular. Basically, I was staring at the bottle sitting almost empty in front of me. I had drunk it that aft on and achieved nothing. The bottle was meant to help me forget about what I had been through in life but to be honest, it just made matters worse. 

http://www.reverbnation.com/thesecretsilence/song/20706350-amounts-to-nothing

No one else to blame - the recording, the history.

A few weeks ago, I posted the lyrics to a song called no one else to blame. In my younger days, I played with a bunch of great guys. Though the line up changed over time, I still speak to most of them. There were moments of brilliance with these guys that made me fall in love with original music. I wrote the lyrics for this song sitting in a waiting room of a rehearsal space. I was early... As I normally was. I just had this urge. I just wanted to put pen to paper. I had lived an eventful life up to them and I tell you what, it hasn't changed much since then. The thunder still makes music on my mind. It wasn't until a year or so later when I was sitting in the foyer of valley studios waiting for my turn to go in and record a song when Craig came up and said he listen to this... He played the rif you hear on an acoustic. I pulled out my book and the 2 just meshed together from the first time we played it. This is still lyrically one of the best things I have written. I would say this is about 8 years old... The lyrics I mean. If I could write a list of any song I have sung or been a part of to record, this would be my number one. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. Just hit the link below and then click on no one else to blame.


https://myspace.com/dirtydiamondslive/music/songs


I hope you have enjoyed this little insight into a part of my music history.  Please, feel free to browse the rest of my entry's and if ya feel like it, leave me a message.



Average dad.

Found my way

Too many chances,

To make a mends.

But my cries and pleas

Led to the end..

And it's too late now,

To start again.

With it all said and done

What happens then?

Take a walk with me,

Slip on my shoes.

I'll give you memories

That I can't lose.

I drank my life away,

Tried to erase

Myself but I 

Live another day.

The path I choose is getting lighter now,

That I have found my way.

Onto a better sky of parting clouds

I have found my way

Onto a path that I find better now,

I have found my way.

I wrote this as a last ditch effort to win her back. That was about the 100th last ditch effort ago.

I'd sell my soul to take me back

To the days before we met

Just to spend the first night that we had...

I've made mistakes again n again

Broke our promise meant to keep

In the circumstances were the ones who's sad.

Just one chance

To turn this life of mine around

I just need a chance.

The nights are colder without you here

I miss your smile but after the years

Your smiles faded coz of all of the fights we've had.

Now I admit it the fault lies in me

I cowuldnt see it, as the cliche goes

I never saw what was standing there in front of me.

But just one chance

To turn this mess of mine around

I just need a chance.

These hands.

There comes a time when I,

Need to stand out from the norm.

And take it onto me

It's time to weather the storm.

I

I can't

I can't see...

You walk away from me

And slowly fall into your grace.

Trouble and infectious rage,

I see the struggle in your face.

Take these hands and rise up from your knees

And walk away with

Me until you finally can see,

A brighter side then grey.