Sorry

I'm sorry. Sorry for turning our home into just yours.  I'm sorry for not giving you the space you wanted.  I'm sorry for all the times I let you down.  I'm sorry for not being your rock when you were always mine.  I'm sorry for forgetting the vow we took.  I'm sorry for not being the husband you deserved.  I'm sorry I lost your trust.  I'm sorry you're hurt.  Sorry for not getting up through the nights when our children wouldn't sleep.  I'm sorry I betrayed you.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  Most of all,  I'm sorry you're no longer mine. 

First Christmas without my children.  Second without a wife. 

They say times supposed to heal you,  but I ain't done much healing.

One of those nights

One of those nights where you really want someone to talk to but you realise...  There's no one there.  Im scared.  Scared of what the future holds.  Scared of where I'm going to end up.  Something has to change.  I just need that one chance...  Someone to say yeah...  Let's help him.  But right now I'm sinking.

Done with this life. Get me a new one

I never thought that I'd be 31 and so disappointed with where I am in life.  It sucks.  The whole thing sucks.  It seems that if something can go wrong,  is going to go wrong for me.  Friday night...  Work function.  As soon as dinner is over its as if I don't exist anymore.  Second time I have been out with people from work and the second time I am left having to ring people trying to find out where they are.  Am I that bad to hang around with that people feel the need to leave me behind? Another argument with my folks. This time it came out about how I feel I am treated by then compared to my brother and sister and the easy they treat my children compared to the rest of their grand children.  something has to give.  Maybe I need to run away.  Pack up everything I own (which isn't much.  It would fit in my car)  and just leave.  Maybe it's going to take that before people actually miss me.  Oh...  Wait,  I've dive that before.  10 years ago.  Thought it would give me a stronger relationship with my family but it didn't work then.  So I moved back with my family.  I fucked up my marriage and I'm right back to where I have always been.  Alone.  Seriously...  What is the point!

Miserable

As i get older,  i start to see things clearer with the way I am treated by my own parents.  I think about it and realise that is always been the same.  I'm the youngest of 3 and in those 3 there is a pecking order.  The older 2 at the top and me trailing in last. I've never really fitted in with society. I'm okay with that. I have learnt to deal with that.  Not to say it doesn't hurt still hurt but there is nothing I can do about it.  I've started seeing things in my own family life. It feels as if my folks like my brother and sisters kids more then they like mine.  Same as though it feels as if my parents like my brother and sister more then they actually like me.  I moved away from them in my early twenties.  I could go weeks or even months without hearing from them.  Sometimes I'd even purposely not ring just to see how long it would take for them to call.  I thought that moving my family from the gold coast to toowoomba would give me a better connection to my family.  I was wrong.
13 months into a separation and I'm still miserable.  I'm 31 and i live in a shoebox of a room at my parents house. I'm not fully enjoying my job as much as I thought I would,  I'm miserable,  I've come to the realisation that my marriage won't be getting back together and i haven't had a best friend in my life in almost 2 decades.  I'm climbing out of this rut that I'm in.  I'm climbing as hard as I can.  As soon as I see some form of light towards the top of the well,  something else happens.
There has to be more to life then this because right now,  it sucks.

Chance raw

Pretty raw insight to my life.

Lately I haven't been feeling as much anxiety as I used to. It used to be a daily occurrence. It used to control me. Instead, I feel myself being emotional. I'll read something and get that lump I. The throat, the eyes well up and I just start to feel sad. For example... When my band broke up, no one fought for me. No one was on my side. Not even the guy who I fought for to get into the band. I thought that I had 4 brothers with those guys in the band. I was wrong. I barely hear from one of them and the other 3 seem non existent. I will be the first to admit, I am different. I have never had close friends, been 20 years since I have had a best friend (aside from my wife who is now my ex) I guess you would call me a social outcast. I read something tonight from one of the old band members asking when he was going to be blessed by the other ex band members presence... I have never had anyone from that band call me and ask how I am or what's new or ask me to collaborate on anything any of them have done and yet the break up of the band hurt me most. About 4 years ago when I separated before, I had had enough of life. I drank copious amounts of red wine and drove, hoping I would never return. I hated life. I hated myself and I saw no point in being in a planet where I felt as if I was merely existing... Not loving. I told one of the band members as a cry for help about what I had done. How I felt like I had no one and he called me a fucking selfish bastard and things between us were never the same. I know that it was selfish and that memory has been fresh in my mind but distant from coming true. Life has handed me some pretty shitty deals. I walk into work and once again, I feel invisible. The workplace has its clicks and its groups and its friends and then there is me... That guy. Yep,that's me. I'm that guy. The one who would bend over backwards for anyone because I want to have some appreciate something I have done. The one who would love a text from anyone saying have a great day or did you see that game. The guy who would just like some form of attention but I am that guy who doesn't get any. I should be used to it. But as age goes on, it never gets easier. I'm 31 in 2 weeks and what have I got to celebrate. Kids aside... What milestones do I have too celebrate? Who will actually call me on my birthday or send a text message to my phone instead of using unsocial media such as facebook. 

I know that life has a meaning and I know that there is something out there for me but I just feel like right now it is dragging me through the mud. 

I sit here and type this to friends I don't know. Friends who don't comment. Actually, I probably sit here and write this like a diary entry and no one will read it.

I will get to know myself, at least I know that company is always there for me.

It just you, me and this crazy mind of mine. This time, it all amounts to nothing.

It's funny how most of these posts start to me the same. Get into bed, relax, start to wind down and then all of a sudden, guess who is wide awake. The next lyric I will share with you is one which I wrote in about 2005/06. I had just moved to the Gold Coast, I knew my cousin and had a friend down there. I still thought that was enough for me. After I moved out of my cousins and stopped talking to my one friend, I started drinking. I was living with a couple in share accommodation. I didn't know them and they didn't know me. It was really weird. I had next to nothing. I moved to the coast with a bag of clothes and about $150 to my name so I knew it was sink or swim. This was written after I had been there for a few months. I was sitting at a table on the back deck, staring at the view. The view was a fence. Wondering what got me to where I was. The poem I wrote is actually a lot longer then what I a, going to share but that is only because I can't remember the whole thing off the top of my head, I can only remember the part which was used in a song with the secret silence. The original was called "empty bottle syndrome" but for those of you that have followed my music career, y would know it as "all amounts to nothing"

I've got myself a syndrome,

A fever I can't fix.

My bottles getting empty,

My bag is out of tricks.

Sometimes I know...

That it all amounts to nothing

And it's all the I know

Help me forget about you.

And it all accounts for something

I'm a one man show,

I wanna see this through.

You feel these eyes a staring, 

You hang your head in shame.

It's funny I'm still breathing,

And slowly going more insane.

Sometimes I know...

It all amounts to nothing.

And it's all that I know,

Help me forget about you.

And it all accounts for someone,

I'm a one man show

I wanna see this through.

As I said, there is a lot more to the song then this but this is the part which was used for this particular. Basically, I was staring at the bottle sitting almost empty in front of me. I had drunk it that aft on and achieved nothing. The bottle was meant to help me forget about what I had been through in life but to be honest, it just made matters worse. 

http://www.reverbnation.com/thesecretsilence/song/20706350-amounts-to-nothing

No one else to blame - the recording, the history.

A few weeks ago, I posted the lyrics to a song called no one else to blame. In my younger days, I played with a bunch of great guys. Though the line up changed over time, I still speak to most of them. There were moments of brilliance with these guys that made me fall in love with original music. I wrote the lyrics for this song sitting in a waiting room of a rehearsal space. I was early... As I normally was. I just had this urge. I just wanted to put pen to paper. I had lived an eventful life up to them and I tell you what, it hasn't changed much since then. The thunder still makes music on my mind. It wasn't until a year or so later when I was sitting in the foyer of valley studios waiting for my turn to go in and record a song when Craig came up and said he listen to this... He played the rif you hear on an acoustic. I pulled out my book and the 2 just meshed together from the first time we played it. This is still lyrically one of the best things I have written. I would say this is about 8 years old... The lyrics I mean. If I could write a list of any song I have sung or been a part of to record, this would be my number one. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. Just hit the link below and then click on no one else to blame.


https://myspace.com/dirtydiamondslive/music/songs


I hope you have enjoyed this little insight into a part of my music history.  Please, feel free to browse the rest of my entry's and if ya feel like it, leave me a message.



Average dad.

Found my way

Too many chances,

To make a mends.

But my cries and pleas

Led to the end..

And it's too late now,

To start again.

With it all said and done

What happens then?

Take a walk with me,

Slip on my shoes.

I'll give you memories

That I can't lose.

I drank my life away,

Tried to erase

Myself but I 

Live another day.

The path I choose is getting lighter now,

That I have found my way.

Onto a better sky of parting clouds

I have found my way

Onto a path that I find better now,

I have found my way.

I wrote this as a last ditch effort to win her back. That was about the 100th last ditch effort ago.

I'd sell my soul to take me back

To the days before we met

Just to spend the first night that we had...

I've made mistakes again n again

Broke our promise meant to keep

In the circumstances were the ones who's sad.

Just one chance

To turn this life of mine around

I just need a chance.

The nights are colder without you here

I miss your smile but after the years

Your smiles faded coz of all of the fights we've had.

Now I admit it the fault lies in me

I cowuldnt see it, as the cliche goes

I never saw what was standing there in front of me.

But just one chance

To turn this mess of mine around

I just need a chance.

These hands.

There comes a time when I,

Need to stand out from the norm.

And take it onto me

It's time to weather the storm.

I

I can't

I can't see...

You walk away from me

And slowly fall into your grace.

Trouble and infectious rage,

I see the struggle in your face.

Take these hands and rise up from your knees

And walk away with

Me until you finally can see,

A brighter side then grey.

In the end... Does it really matter.

So this week I am in Kingaroy for work. I like work trips. It lets me have some time to think. I guess this time, I wasn't ready to think. It's the Same thing. All the time. Tonight, I was tired. I had turned off the light and then boom... My fucking head decides now is the time to have a deep and meaningful with myself. I think way too much. I start counciling soon so that will be a good way to learn how to deal with letting go. I wrote tonight. Well, actually... I wrote just then. It just seemed to flow. They don't just flow anymore. They are normally hard work.

It's only when the lights go down I'm lonely,

Anxiety the biggest cause of this.

Just as I'm about to meet my slumber,

I start to think of all the things I miss.

The number one would be my one and only,

But everyday she's further from my clutch.

To wear my wedding ring again, if only...

To ask for this it truly is too much.

I've tried a thousand different ways to fix this, 

But knew the only answer all along.

I'm selfish having tried to get what I miss,

To you these thousand ways have all been wrong.

It's been over a year since life was better,

The hardest days I'm sure I'll ever live.

I've learnt that I have changed since I have met her,

Too late to prove I've better things to give.

I'm not exactly sure if she still reads my blog, or if anyone does for that matter. But writing it down helps. Not much else does at the moment.

until next time,

Sleep well.

Average dad.

Some days, it just feels great to get home.

So... Life has been very up and down lately. More down then up it seems. I spend most days thinking about the huge mistake I made and how I can make it better but I know that I can make it better by doing nothing at all. Just leave life to its course. Easier said then done... Hahaha. Today just seemed like one of those days that didn't want to end but as everything does eventually, it did. Had a great play with the kids at the park yesterday even though it wasn't my weekend. It makes you smile knowing they are having fun.

Lately I have met some great musicians who I hope to collaborate with in the not so distant future. I miss music so much. I miss being that guy on the stage that belts out the tunes. Might have to move music a bit higher up on the list.

I'll share some more lyrics over the next week, just have to find the song book. I think I know where it is, just hope it's still in one piece.

Until next time, take it easy.

 average dad