Average Aussie Dad - The door

Have you ever reached for a door and gotten butterflies before touching the handle...

I have. G'day, how are you? Lets start by saying that as most of you may know, life has been pretty shit. It has been just over 2.5 years since separating from my wife and it has been a lonely 2.5 years. The main advice people give me is to stop looking... someone will come along when you least expect it. This is something i MUST remind myself everyday. I am not used to being alone... I haven't spent that much time alone since i was about 14 years old. So what do i do to pass my time alone... I cook and i just joined a gym. It MUST start at home. Happiness. If you're not happy then CHANGE. Thats what i need to do. 4 days a week i am committing to at the Gym and i am currently planning my meals out to fit to a Keto/Paleo style diet. If you have ANY tips then please feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail.

Recently i started a new job with a local business which focusses on family owned small business. i LOVE it. I am only a month in and i hope for success with it. Like everything, you only get out what you put in so its time to step it up and give it my all.

In the coming days... or maybe even tonight... I will sit down and fill you in on how the kids are going. That is a whole new blog on its own.

Until then, take care of yourselves.

Finney

That moment you realise...

You are alone.

Sorry

I'm sorry. Sorry for turning our home into just yours.  I'm sorry for not giving you the space you wanted.  I'm sorry for all the times I let you down.  I'm sorry for not being your rock when you were always mine.  I'm sorry for forgetting the vow we took.  I'm sorry for not being the husband you deserved.  I'm sorry I lost your trust.  I'm sorry you're hurt.  Sorry for not getting up through the nights when our children wouldn't sleep.  I'm sorry I betrayed you.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  Most of all,  I'm sorry you're no longer mine. 

First Christmas without my children.  Second without a wife. 

They say times supposed to heal you,  but I ain't done much healing.

One of those nights

One of those nights where you really want someone to talk to but you realise...  There's no one there.  Im scared.  Scared of what the future holds.  Scared of where I'm going to end up.  Something has to change.  I just need that one chance...  Someone to say yeah...  Let's help him.  But right now I'm sinking.

Done with this life. Get me a new one

I never thought that I'd be 31 and so disappointed with where I am in life.  It sucks.  The whole thing sucks.  It seems that if something can go wrong,  is going to go wrong for me.  Friday night...  Work function.  As soon as dinner is over its as if I don't exist anymore.  Second time I have been out with people from work and the second time I am left having to ring people trying to find out where they are.  Am I that bad to hang around with that people feel the need to leave me behind? Another argument with my folks. This time it came out about how I feel I am treated by then compared to my brother and sister and the easy they treat my children compared to the rest of their grand children.  something has to give.  Maybe I need to run away.  Pack up everything I own (which isn't much.  It would fit in my car)  and just leave.  Maybe it's going to take that before people actually miss me.  Oh...  Wait,  I've dive that before.  10 years ago.  Thought it would give me a stronger relationship with my family but it didn't work then.  So I moved back with my family.  I fucked up my marriage and I'm right back to where I have always been.  Alone.  Seriously...  What is the point!

Miserable

As i get older,  i start to see things clearer with the way I am treated by my own parents.  I think about it and realise that is always been the same.  I'm the youngest of 3 and in those 3 there is a pecking order.  The older 2 at the top and me trailing in last. I've never really fitted in with society. I'm okay with that. I have learnt to deal with that.  Not to say it doesn't hurt still hurt but there is nothing I can do about it.  I've started seeing things in my own family life. It feels as if my folks like my brother and sisters kids more then they like mine.  Same as though it feels as if my parents like my brother and sister more then they actually like me.  I moved away from them in my early twenties.  I could go weeks or even months without hearing from them.  Sometimes I'd even purposely not ring just to see how long it would take for them to call.  I thought that moving my family from the gold coast to toowoomba would give me a better connection to my family.  I was wrong.
13 months into a separation and I'm still miserable.  I'm 31 and i live in a shoebox of a room at my parents house. I'm not fully enjoying my job as much as I thought I would,  I'm miserable,  I've come to the realisation that my marriage won't be getting back together and i haven't had a best friend in my life in almost 2 decades.  I'm climbing out of this rut that I'm in.  I'm climbing as hard as I can.  As soon as I see some form of light towards the top of the well,  something else happens.
There has to be more to life then this because right now,  it sucks.

Chance raw